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gee: right in the FACE
after my last few posts made me seem like some energy drink-addicted psychopath, i decided some slightly...calmer?  rambling was due.

so there's this thing i've been trying to do for a while now.  i've been working really hard at bettering myself ever since i was around 12, and realized i had a looot of mental problems i needed to sort out for myself.

now i can't claim to have done ALL of the heavy lifting - circumstances beyond my control often forced me into a role i didn't think i'd have for myself until i was much older.  but i haven't just been sitting back and letting age and experience do all the work - sometimes i just need to make something that can give me a little push in such a direction.

like now!  this is something i've been trying to do...all my life, pretty much.  the success of my past self 'projects' gives me hope that this will have the same outcome.  and it is...

project: kill embarrassment.

maybe that sounds stupid.  or maybe it sounds badass.  i don't know.  ANYWAY.

as a ridiculously shy person, embarrassment has ruled my entire life.  i perpetually stick my foot in my mouth, take things the wrong way and respond to them thusly, or even get a case of the awkwards so bad that i walk into a wall/fall on my ass/etc.  and when i'm not doing anything embarrassing, my mind has a fondness for replaying such moments in my mind.

point being?

i wanna get myself over this shit, to see it as the dumb, trivial crap that it is.  that it's not the end of the world just because i stuttered in front of someone i like, or said something really insulting by accident.  if it needs it, apologize - if not, get the fuck over it.

it took me a while to see this as i do today.  i usually set such tiny, easily attainable goals for myself, that i sometimes forget what the big picture is that i've been aiming for.  i also forget at times that, once you knock out a biggie (such as when i told my mom i'd had suicidal thoughts for years), everything else gets a little easier.  i'm not going to claim that i'll be done in a day, but just knowing that progress is being made is enough.

i know i can do it though, because it's more about changing my habits, than changing the actual me.  because the person i'm 'aiming for' - that's the real me, she's just hidden away.  and this is my way of coaxing her out.

and, i might as well say that...the first thing i'll probably do to start working on this project, is write a kissing scene.  i'm pretty sure i've never written one before, so yay for branching out?

that's about enough of that.  we can't have any of this 'serious' business!  out with ye!